Love can make people dumb. No, really. Researcher Henk van Steenbergen and his colleagues from Leiden University and the University of Maryland found that those who considered themselves to be romantically in love had less cognitive control (the inability to give a task their undivided attention).

If your lover is running laps in your head all day, you two are always together or cuddled up and it’s still the first two weeks — you might be in trouble.

We’ve all done it. Or at least witnessed it firsthand. As is the case, week after week I find myself tuning into MTV’s Are You The One? The dating series introduces us to 20 single men and women who volunteer to shack up in a beautiful house on a tropical island somewhere. They’re given 10 weeks to figure out who their “perfect match” is. Every participant undergoes a series of interviews, questionnaires and compatibility testing to “quantify compatibility.” That data is used to identify the 10 ideal pairs. Because they go into the house with no clue as to who their match could be, it becomes a social experiment that we all get to witness for entertainment purposes.

Often, people lead with physical attraction and confuse lust for love, ignoring all the signs that the person is totally wrong for them. Every season there’s at least one couple on AYTO that hits it off the first week and are inseparable from then on, even after they’ve learned they’re not a match. Luckily 10 weeks is more than enough time to watch as the thrills of infatuation fade and the same two develop feelings of dislike and resentment toward each other.

I don’t believe that love is blind, I believe that people are.

It’s as if infatuation gives people drunk goggles and they can’t see when they’re diving headfirst into an ugly situation. Growing in love means finding a method to the madness, a healthy balance between having your head in the clouds and feet on the ground.

Love requires both strategy and chemistry.

Things to consider:

Can you be friends?

You learn a lot about a person by establishing a friendship with them before getting into a committed 0r not-so-committed relationship. For instance, you’ll learn a lot about their interests, goals, how they are in a relationship and out of one, and have a clear idea of who they are as a person, aside from what it is you’re looking for in a partner.

Some would argue that if you’re attracted to a person but “pretend” to be friends for sometime before making a move, you’re being dishonest. And to that I’d say: “Eh.” It takes self-discipline and effort to get to know someone, whereas drunk make-out sessions with someone you’re attracted to hardly qualifies them as a potential partner. Growing a friendship also requires some level of vulnerability and trust. How can you truly know if you’re interested in someone you barely know anything about? No trust has been established. And after a while you weed out who’s truly interested in you and who has ulterior motives.

Attraction might come later

Physical attraction fades with age, but the right attraction doesn’t. You might learn that after taking time to get to know someone, your attraction to them grows — and it has nothing to do with their physical appearance. You learn it has everything to do with the fact that they’re honest and dependable, or they’re annoyingly optimistic and funny or you admire their unrelenting determination.

Don’t compromise too early

You don’t have to be an Instagram-worthy version of yourself all the time. If you’re boring, there’s someone out there that’s boring too. If you like having options, there’s someone out there down for having an open relationship. Some people assume you should compromise yourself when someone has all the “right” qualities. Don’t compromise yourself or the things you require from the other person too early on. Know what your deal-breakers are and what you need from someone in a relationship.

Know what you bring to the table

Know thy self. It’s a simple phrase, but you’d be surprised how may people are incapable of having a healthy relationship with themselves. Love yourself first. Love is a state of being. To find love in others, you have to be able to cultivate it, and happiness, all on your own.

Pay attention to how this person handles disagreements

Watch how they treat you when you don’t do what they want you to. If your friend doesn’t allow you to do and be who you are without judgement and an established mutual respect, the potential relationship is probably headed nowhere fast.

Know the difference between creating an unbreakable bond and an unhealthy attachment

Lastly, getting comfortable with someone and ignoring when you grow unhappy is a sign of an unhealthy attachment. If you’re crying all the time but find yourself saying “but I love him,” you might be confused. There are many signs of unhealthy attachments in relationships. But ultimately, it comes down to your level of emotional intelligence.

You might not have a strict time commitment or $1 million to lose like the contestants on Are You The One?, but if you’re searching for your perfect match, these tips are worth a try.

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love a matter of chemistry

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